At my first check up during my third pregnancy, my doctor offered an ultrasound. I agreed, excited at the prospect of seeing my new baby for the first time. Well, when the doctor swiveled around and wielded what looked like a small rocket launcher for a doppler, I knew my life was about to change.
Our first glimpse was beautiful, of course. Then the doctor asked me, How's your heart? I don't mind telling you, I knew right then and there he could not see my heart with that thing! So, I asked him, why? And he said, Because there's two!!
Well, I had been right. The adventures have not slowed since. At eighteen months it was very clear my boys had their own twin language. this language overrode their normal speech development--well, that and their two interpreters (read: big sisters). At four years of age, we had them tested and discovered a two year speech delay. Off the boys went to a preschool program for children with disabilities (PPCD). By the middle of their second year in this program, we were experiencing more turbulence than we could have ever anticipated. And trust me--with two boys coming in direct succession after two girls, we thought we were prepared.
Ryan suddenly had violent-aggressive meltdowns in class. Reagan was mostly sucking his thumb and hiding under tables when he was mad. As a psychology major I recognized some earmarks of Asperger's syndrome--yet, the boys had no problems with social interaction (um...when they weren't angry LOL). To make a long journey short, just today we met with the school team to consider placing the boys back into the mainstream schools in the hopes of getting them on track with their speech, their coping skills (yes, really!), and academia.
Part of me feels like a bad mother. Why haven't I done more? What could I have done to prevent this from happening (nothing!!)? Wouldn't a good mother "tough it out" and work through all the issues?
Well, I've come to realize that while God has definitely gifted me with a special way of working with children, there is a limit to my expertise. I realize there are advocates out there for both sides of this issue--and that is not my intent here. My intent is to realize that at times, we have limits. Without the ability to recongize those limits, we may end up in a heap of trouble. We must also examine what God asks of us, and then once we know that truth, we must offer absolute surrender to His will. That's not easy. But it is vital to a fulfilled life. God knows what's best for my children. If I trust him, then I know that my family will make it.